Since we’re still baking in a hotter-than-usual summer, (a result of the climate hell that will be the only lasting legacy of our doomed specie lol), why not share a slasher story? Enjoy the orientation materials for the new members of Unit A at Camp Summerside! The elite squad responsible for keeping campers safe from a certain lumbering killing machine…
This one also has Easter Eggs!
13 Sand Lake Rd, Hardwick Township, NJ 07825
Unit A Orientation Packet
Welcome to the Camp Summerside Counselor Family! For over 12 years we’ve been offering children in the tri-state area a safe and educational summer camp experience. But keeping them safe also means we need more than just the usual camp counselors. But as the newest members of Unit A, you know that already! You also know we weren’t always called Camp Summerside, and that we have a year-round resident that needs our constant attention.
You know his name. We all do. But as our guidelines will clearly spell out, he is referred to only as Alpha. We find this helps the team focus, and prevents intimidation. While the first campers arrive in the first week of June, you will be onsite starting May 1st. In addition to training, we will also be taking detailed molds of your face to create lifelike and life-sized dummies, which are essential to the mission.
In the 12 years CampCo has operated Camp Summerside, we have not had a single fatality. We have no doubt you will continue this tradition of excellence, as we only accept the strongest and most intelligent candidates.
We will answer common FAQs below, and you can find more detailed explanations in this orientation packet. Thank you, and we look forward to seeing you in May!
Sean Manfredini, CampCo CEO
Unit A Frequently Asked Questions
How do we contain the Alpha?
Alpha will never set foot in the actual camp. Unit A will be posted in a facsimile camp near the original location. Once they gather his attention, a cat-and-mouse game will begin. You will receive strategies in a series of plan packets to keep his attention through the end of July. If you become fatigued, or a family emergency happens, members from Unit B will trade spaces.
What if I am injured?
Injuries happen! While most people worry about machetes or pitchforks, the true enemy of Unit A is a twisted ankle or side stitch. Despite his lumbering gait, Alpha tends to cover a lot of ground very quickly. You will be running for much of the night, so following our strict training regime is a must!!! When injured, you will activate your personal locator beacon (PLB). An extraction team will come to get you, while the rest of your team will distract Alpha. The lifelike model of your body will be left in your place. Alpha will assume you’re dead, and likely pose or mutilate the body at his discretion.
But I don’t look like a teenager?
Of course not! Our Unit A members tend to be between the ages of 21 and 29. Due to the nature of the job and the danger therein, we need adults in peak physical condition. In addition, despite the rumors of proclivity for teen victims, he tends to prefer people clearly in their 20s and early 30s.
Why can’t we just (insert any possible means of destruction)?
Shoot him? Drown him in the lake? Bury him? Freeze him? Attack him with blunt and sharp instruments? Dismember him? Imprison him in the camp with a series of high walls and Jurassic Park-esque electrical fencing? Literally lure him onto a plane, fly said plane over the ocean, and shoot it down with a surface-to-air missile? All of this and more has been done. He always survives. He always comes back. The only way to contain the Alpha is with the tried-and-true methods of Unit A.
Do we have to smoke weed or drink?
No, and we actually forbid the use of legal and illegal drugs and alcohol on the grounds. You will be provided with non-alcoholic beverages and hand-rolled cigarettes. We only need the appearance of being high to draw in the Alpha. Being inhibited by substances could increase your risk of being the first actual Alpha victim in 12 years.
Is sex a risk factor?
Yes, and we discourage it. Although filling a small camp with twenty-somethings in great shape in an atmosphere of adrenaline makes it inevitable. We encourage you to use protection: keep flares handy to temporarily blind the Alpha while you dress and flee the area. Avoid lovemaking in tents or areas with more than one means of ingress.
When does the season end?
The last campers return home on July 31st. At which point the “last survivor” will appear to have been killed by Alpha. Once he discovers the carefully placed body doubles and arranges them to his pleasure, he will return to a state of hibernation until around late May. Attempts to locate his resting place have been futile.
Can I come back next year?
We rarely have past team members return. Despite the very generous pay and benefits, the stress of the job is often too much for our counselors. But their exploits as members of Unit A make them something of a celebrity, and they do well enough at cons.
If you have more questions, we encourage you to talk to Alice or Tommy at HR. Both have worked in Unit A, and will be able to address further questions or concerns. We look forward to working with you!